Wordy Shipmates

Wordy Shipmates is a collection of essays written by Sarah Vowell, but that's not what my title means today. First of all, today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

On this day of ARG! and Ha-har!, I ripped a sheet of my tear off calendar. Today's word of the day is obequitate, which means to ride about, such as on a horse. Yesterday's word was vagitus, the distressing cry of persons under surgical operations, and the days before's was swarble, to climb a straight tree on which there are no branches to help the ascent.

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to swarble, me hearties, and to obequitate without falling off and later joining in the chorus of vagitus. Now can you use these three new words in a pirate voice? Har?

Chill Out, Girlfriend

I think this is why clients want full anonymity.

Because when I find them, I kinda do this.

Most of the articles I write have full anonymity. That means I turn in my articles to a third party, and sometimes not even that third party knows where it's going. I've heard from friends that their articles have shown up in USA Today and they stumbled upon them like accident. (The idea that this could happen makes me repeat the above .gif.)

So when I stumble upon an article that has involved slaving away at word choices, it's nice to see that hard work rewarded. Here is one such reward: https://www.anjolee.com/blog/index.php/2013/09/fall-2013-fashion-chained-down/

I wrote an article today about Christmas lights and the client was so pleased that she said I must be an expert. After what seems like a long period of discouragement, it's nice to be applauded for something.

Now, back to my article on how to apply for reality TV shows...

Exercise

Did you know that there is a wonderful prompt generator app called "Flash Fiction Prompter"? Not only is it convenient but it's free.

If you're stuck in your writing today, try these prompts to loosen up some good(ish) writing:

Character: Dare Devil
Setting: Submarine
Plot: A character gets food poisoning

If you're really feeling adventurous, incorporate this quote (not from the prompter):
"I never used the word hate."

Ready- set- GO. Get some writing done. Exercise!

Type-O's And Other Cereals

Ironically, a student of mine was giving online feedback to another student and said that she caught "a couple of Type-O's." It's not cereal, kid. It's "typos." It made me laugh, though, and it brought humor to an otherwise rough workweek.

Since then, here are just a few of the many words I've spelled wrong:

Unintelligible

Bulletin

Ingredient

Realistic

Anthropomorphic 

Familiar

And if I were to say that none of these were spelled wrong on the white board in front of my students, I would be lieing lying. I'll admit: while typing out a response to that student's Blackboard post, I went onto Grammar Girl (http://www.quickanddirtytips.com) to check if I was using affect or effect, and to see if I was going to lay down or lie down. Yikes.

And then I had a conversation with my class today about the Inner Critic. You know who this is, I wager. Sometimes we call it Monkey Mind, sometimes we call it Editor Mode, and sometimes we give it a face like our mentor in grad school who is in disbelief that I haven't gotten over this past imperfect verb tense thing. If we're writing non-fiction, we're always wondering what that honestly-portrayed person will say. If we're writing fiction, we wonder what our mentors and students will say. If we're writing articles, we have to make sure we picture the right audience: be funny but not too funny, be friendly but not too friendly, don't use first person, don't ramble on, you wrote too much here, you wrote too little there, and no one cares about how The Story of Edgar Sawtelle is based on Hamlet. 

Or maybe that's just me. 

Just write the dang thing down. If you allow Inner Critic/Monkey Mind/Editor Mode/Grad School Mentor a say all the time while working to be funny but not too funny and friendly but not too friendly, you've got so many balls in the air that your attention is there instead of on your writing. Surprise of all surprises, I don't know how to spell every single word, and it's not something I'm going to focus on. Sure, it's embarrassing to stand in front of a classroom and have them all think I'm crazy for writing "bulletain" on the board, but whatever. We make mistakes. If you write in the morning, you eat Type-O's for breakfast: that's as predictable as too much caffine caffeine makes your hands shake. 

First drafts suck. Whatever. Give yourself permission. (Just fix these errors in revision.) 

Where Are Your Priorities?

You're busy. I get it. I'm busy, too.

In fact, I've spent the last five years of my life busy. First it was balancing school and retail, and if it means I'm going to save $5k+ in tuition, sure, I'll take twice the average load of classes to be done earlier. Then it was balancing grad school and retail, which, trust me is harder, even if my credits were half of the previous semester. Then it was balancing grad school, retail, and teaching. (Are you starting to see a pattern?) Then it was balancing grad school and teaching, and last year it was balancing teaching, teaching, and teaching. Oh, and writing in there somewhere. Duh.

So when students tell me that I don't understand how busy they are, I try not to "HAH!" in their faces. Instead, I turn it around. Priorities, I tell them. Priorities are the only way things ever get done.

Don't get me wrong: I don't have it all together. But I can tell you from a five-year series of trial-and-error that the only way your writing gets done is if you prioritize.

Biggest writing misconception ever: I'm going to sit down at my writing desk for hours and from mere inspiration divine a brilliant manuscript of my own making. With days of this, of course my novel will be finished within the year, and my good luck and success can only be marked with a book deal. I'm so prolific that I can do this every day forever.

("HAH!")

Biggest reality check ever: You need a comfortable space that won't distract you with what you've put in that space. You also need to write on a medium-to-full stomach and have plenty of water/coffee/tea available. If any one of these simple things is out of balance, you will do what most writers do and end up looking out the window or scanning Facebook. (Confession: where do you think this post is stemming from?)

Biggest help for the writing life: My first mentor in grad school gave all of us a daily schedule of her writing life. I can't find it right now (shut up) but what impressed me the most was that she started with an hour of reading (coffee in hand, of course), then an hour of her own writing, then an hour of revising what she had written in past days, and then dove into grading. Then she'd have lunch and do the same thing again. While her schedule may vary depending on the needs of the day, this was the overall schedule she stuck to. There was no marathon writing, but there was no procrastination, either. Sometimes we are so manic: we like to write when we're passionately inspired, but that all-consuming fire quickly burns and we're left with either no ideas or no inspiration.

Write even when you think the fire has burned out. Only then you'll find yourself to be a true writer. Push past it and you'll find a reward akin to working at a truly meaningful relationship.

So what, dear writer, am I encouraging you to do today? Pick a schedule, pick priorities, and pepper your day with a few small activities. If you don't have time to devote an hour per activity, devote 15 minutes per activity. Something daily is better than something manic.

3 More Tips for The Starving Artist's Handbook

As much as we think it does, money doesn't show up overnight. Even when you write blogs about being a starving artist and you think somehow you've paid some metaphorical dues because you whined about the business world, there still isn't a magical email that shows up and says, "You are the most brilliant writer in the history of humankind and I would love it if you had a novel waiting to become a New York Times Bestseller..."

I mean, no one dreams of that.

So until that magical email arrives in your box (yeah, okay), here are some tips for being a Starving Artist:

1. Things take time. When the most you're making for an article is $10, you have to be very real with your expectations. You're not yet the writer who has a new car, just bought a new house, and works from home. I'm not saying this could never happen, but don't let your credit card think this is happening yet. Otherwise, you're going to underlining your starving artist title.

2. Don't feel like you're working for a company forever. Unless a company is giving you benefits, retirement, and a company car, don't feel obligated to be his or her slave -especially when he or she exhibits passive aggression. "I haven't heard from you in the last twenty minutes and I'm concerned that you're not responding to my emails immediately, even though I only pay you $7.14 a day for working 5 hours..." (Shouldn't I have a disclaimer right about now that any resemblance to actual events is coincidental?) Don't put up with that. Find a better writing job. 

3. Don't stop your creative writing. You are better than below-minimum-wage-writing. If you need to tell yourself that by embossing it on your bathroom mirror, do it. You didn't become a writer so that you could write articles about taxes or the Loch Ness monster, did you? NO! So don't let these articles about arbitration and how-to-clean-with-a-rag-mop define your life! If you want to be the Great American Novelist, be the best damn novelist you can be, even if you're not getting paid for that time investment now. I know it's tempting to write "this one article, because it'll go by super fast" but it won't, and the $7.50 you're making for it does not justify the lifeblood that has now been drained from the novel that's patiently waiting. 

Think of farmers: they wait patiently for produce and keep watering it every day, even at the risk of failure. 

Dream big, my friends, and don't take no for an answer. If you don't fight for your novel, who will?





Books I’ve Finished This Year:
-East of Eden by John Steinbeck
-Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
-Silk by Alessandro Barico
-Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores
-The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
-Animal Farm by George Orwell
-The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler
-The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
 -Grimm's Fairytales by the Brothers Grimm
-Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
-The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost
-Old Man in the Sea by Hemingway
-On Paris by Hemingway
-The Kiss by Kathryn Harrison
-The Thin Man by Dashiel Hammett
-Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier
-The Road by Carmac McCarthy
-More F in Exams/F for Effort by Richard Benson
-Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome
-Hemingway vs. Fitzgerald by Scott Donaldson
-Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
-The Paris Wife by Paula McLain
-The Woman Who Wouldn't by Gene Wilder
-The Map of Time by Felix J. Palma
-Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster
-Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

Currently Reading:
-The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

Guide to Writing in the Real World

Being a "successful" writer really sucks sometimes. I mean, sure, being a writer in today's world means you wear Ray Bans and have a Luddite affinity for typewriters and that you read Raymond Carver stories. But if you're trying to actually be paid, no one cares how fabulous you look or how diverse your reading tastes are. I'm thinking this after I've looked at my depressing bank account, which I'm still thinking about as I make my lunch of Ramen, carrots, and chopped celery -not just any celery, but the left over, tiny celery hearts that are so un-green that they have got to be devoid of all vitamins.

This is the writing life, my friends.

After spending all morning typing out 1000-word articles about cloning, poisonous plants of North America, and how to prepare for a flood, I have made a grand total of $15.76. For a different freelancing firm, I wrote an article about the meaning of a babushka for $7.50. No, not every day is like this (last week I wrote fun articles about sight-seeing in London, and about Russian authors). But as a writer getting started in the freelancing world, you would be wise not to expect grander days than this. So here is my encouragement to all of you starting out writers: know what you're looking for.

Kristen Kauffman's Guide to Writing in the Real World

(And, yes, I realize that's the title of my blog and that it's taken a few months to actually write about it.)

1. Beware of the word "hardworking." 

If you're looking around on Craigslist or other great contracting opportunities such as oDesk.com or eLance.com, beware of this word. Example: "Looking for hardworking, reliable, ambitious writer to blog 7 days a week." Translation: "You'll work like a dog and get paid CRAP. If you don't log in daily, you'll have a lovely little 'where were you' message when you do."

2. Ghostwriting: know what you're getting into.

 Whether you're going to be blogging, writing freelance, or creative writing, ghostwriting is waiting in the wings for you -but they call it something else. The actual term ghostwriting may be used for creative writing, but when it comes to blogging or writing articles, you may be ghostwriting and not knowing it. After all, you're writing articles for a client who works with your editor, and afterward you may not even know where your article is going. It's kind of cool to think that your article could show up in Archaeology Today or The Washington Times, but you'll never know. Your editor will say something like "the client wants full anonymity." If you're getting paid for it, you don't really have the option of being picky about this, but just be aware that this happens in the real world.

3. Be realistic about compensation.

Okay, adjust your expectations. Stephen King makes the big bucks, but if you're doing freelance work, you probably won't. Revised: you won't make the big bucks unless you work really flippin hard. When I stopped teaching English at the high school last semester, I did a little math (yes, I did math) and tried to figure out how many articles I would have to write weekly to make up for the lost income. Let's do a little math here: if I get paid $.50 per 100 words as I am for one company, then to supplement that lost income, I would have to write, hmm, oh, 80,000 words a week. If I give myself no days off, that would be 11,000 words daily. If I get paid $7.50 per article as I am for a different company, I would have to write 40 articles a week. That number doesn't seem so scary. But in all of this, there is no accommodation for time spent researching. I wrote 5 articles on Saturday about tax codes for heavy highway vehicles, and because it was about as interesting as sitting in traffic during rush hour, it took me about 5 hours to complete 2557 words. Make no mistake: this isn't meant to discourage you. If you have found a gig that pays per article, that's fabulous. If you've found a gig that pays well per article, even better. My goal is only to make sure you have realistic expectations of the market. Just consider that all of these equations I've just detailed are what I need to equate a part-time teacher's salary.

4. Be choosy about what topics you're writing on.

Yep, I spent a good 5 hours writing about tax codes. Not interesting. And I know nothing about tax codes, so it felt like April, if you know what I mean. This is only one of the many examples when research took much longer than expected. Case in point, cloning. I know nothing about cloning or about cognitive computer manipulation of avatars (true story), so there was definitely more research today than I expected, research that if I was paid hourly would be compensated. Oh, but wait, writers are artists and often not treated as human beings. So here is my encouragement to you: if you can, select articles that interest you, and preferably articles that you have some area of expertise with. I have never been to London, but I am interested in London, therefore last week's articles were fun to write and went by quickly. (I could write about 1000 words in 20 minutes.) The article about Russian authors took a little more research, but I'm interested in these guys, so this 1000 word article took about 30 minutes. These are the moments that freelance writers live for: you love the topic and you're getting paid to write about it. Um, what's the downside? (Oh, right, the compensation isn't much.)

5. Be thankful

I know it comes off as complaining, but my beef is with the expectations I had set up for myself. These article writing companies never promised me something that they didn't deliver. Bottom line: I'm really glad that I can daily make the same amount of money that I did serving tables, except I don't have to come home smelling like refried beans or have to sacrifice exercise or sanity to do it. My goal (and I hope your goal) is to achieve enough experience with these low-paying gigs that I can get a better-paying gig. (Lie: high-paying gig.) And after having read Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster, I realize that rewarding work-from-home jobs (or any jobs, honestly) have been hard to get for the last ten or more years. There are people standing on street corners or taking really degrading food service and retail jobs, and here I am complaining about my meager writing compensation. I am happy to get money for writing -but I just wish I could pay my bills.

6. Use your experience and chase something better

Goal: to get a better-paying gig. That means that you should take crappy $.50 per 100 word jobs because it gives you experience. Keep in mind that you don't have to stay at this freelance firm forever -they're not paying you retirement, are they? Stay with them as long as you want, learn the value of SEOs and keywords, and then move on to a more rewarding position. Often the good-paying gigs go fast, so when you see a listing on Craigslist or on another job-posting opportunity, reply immediately. There's no need to do more -don't be a cyber-stalker, don't be annoying- just reply immediately with a friendly message about your qualifications, experience, and enthusiasm. If you don't get the job, keep telling yourself that another position will open up soon.