I imagine Jen experiencing or remembering other weird stories to add to a second book, and booksellers contributing stories. Likewise as I finished the book, I couldn't stop thinking about stories that I seemed to have forgotten. Hah.
So enjoy Weird Things Episode Two.
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Customer: Excuse me, but I'd like to return this book.
Bookseller: Okay, is there anything wrong with it?
Customer: These pages look weird. (They're the kind of irregular-edged only common in hard cover books or nicer trade paperbacks.)
Bookseller: Well, they're indicative of more expensive publication.
Customer: But I don't like it. Can you order another one?
Bookseller: Um, I could but the next one will come back like that, too.
Customer: But why? Does the publisher just not check mistakes anymore?
Bookseller: It's not a mistake. It's intentional. That's why it's... more money.
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Older Customer: I need help looking for a book.
Bookseller: Sure. What can I help you with?
Customer: I need a book. A book for old people. A sex book.
Bookseller: Well, our sex books are just right over here. (Points by customer service.)
Customer: So can you help me with them?
Bookseller: Um, okay. (Comes around the counter.) Let's see what we can find. Here's one.
Customer: (Flips to a page.) Oh. Do you think that position is possible for someone as old as me?
Bookseller: I, um, can't really say. But it is a book for, um, mature adults and it wouldn't be in the book if-
Customer: Okay, well, thanks for your help.
Bookseller: You're welcome.
(Customer puts book on shelf.)
Customer: I don't have time for it today. Maybe I'll just buy it online.
Bookseller:...
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Customer: OH, MY GOD!
Bookseller peeks over the bookshelf.
Customer: OH, MY GOD! Jimmy, WHAT did you DO? If you have to go POTTY you need to TELL ME!
Customer picks up child by the armpits leading a soiled child in the direction of the bathrooms.
[Ten minutes later.]
Customer: Excuse me.
Bookseller: Yes?
Customer: Where is the nearest children's clothing store?
Bookseller: Well, there's a Children's Place on the other side of the mall-
Customer: No. I'm sorry, but Jimmy peed his pants. I don't want him to think that he can be rewarded for not doing what he was supposed to be doing. Where's a cheaper clothing store?
Bookseller: Um, Sears is next door... kinda.
Customer: That's better.
(Naked child emerges from behind a bookshelf, streaking naked through the store.)
Bookseller: Your, um, Jimmy-
Customer: OH, MY GOD! (Starts running.) JIMMY! OH, MY GOD!
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Customer: I have a return.
Bookseller: Okay. Was there anything wrong with the book.
Customer: It's disturbing and revolting, and I can't believe my daughter bought it for my granddaughter.
Bookseller: Do you have a receipt? (Gets receipt.) Okay, within two weeks. No problem. Okay, where's the book.
Customer: Here it is. Filth.
(Olivia Goes to the Circus.)
Bookseller: This is the trash?
Customer: Degenerate garbage.
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Customer: I need the next "Cat Who" book.
Bookseller: Well, let me look that up. (Type type type.) I'm sorry, but there doesn't appear to be any new listings.
Customer: That's wrong.
Bookseller: You're welcome to look at this. (Turn the screen.) See -there's a name listed for the new book, but there's no concrete date. They've been pushing it back for a few months, and now it's set for 2014.
Customer: But we're faithful customers and we've been WAITING!
Bookseller: I'm sorry, but it looks like you're going to have to wait some more.
Customer: I CAN'T wait anymore!
Bookseller: I don't know what to tell you. I could write it faster than they could publish it.
Customer: I'll pay you.
Bookseller: Wait, what?
Customer: Seriously. I'll pay you to write the next book.
Bookseller:...
Thank you, Jen Campbell, for jogging my memory :)
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