Writing Should Be Writing

Books I Bought Last Week:

-Drive by James Sallis

-Freedom by Jonathan Franzen

-The Imprefectionists by Tom Rachman

-Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier

-Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson

-The Kiss by Kathryn Harrison

-Poison by Kathryn Harrison

-The Binding Chair by Kathryn Harrison

-Mad Girl’s Love Song by Andrew Wilson

Books I’ve Finished This Year:

-East of Eden by John Steinbeck, 600 pages

-Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway, 120 pages

-Silk by Alessandro Barico, 94 pages

-Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores, 144 pages

-The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, 230 pages

-Animal Farm, 93 pages

(I’m realizing that my new goal should be to not buy a stack of books that exceed the number that I’ve read thus far that year. So, maybe, come November or December I can be more careless with my book acquisition, whereas February should still be modest.)

After attending ASU’s 2013 Desert Nights, Rising Stars Conference this weekend, I left so enthused. I had story ideas and starts, I was encouraged about the prospects of finding an agent (with self-publishing so prominent now, agents are actively looking for authors), and I got a huge download of new information that I can use both for my own education and for educating others. Let’s face it: educating others is just a more advanced way of educating yourself.

But now that I’m “back to real life,” I’ve realized a list of rules and boundaries I need to adhere to. (If I don’t keep to this list, no one will for me.)

I [insert name here] solemnly swear to respect myself and my writing, and that means these things:

1.      Go to bed means go to bed. There’s no faster way to fall behind schedule than to drag through it with a sleep-hangover.

2.       Writing time means writing time: not Facebook time. ‘Nuff said.

3.       I will sit down to write with everything I will need. That means no getting up to get a drink. Or a snack. Or to check email. Or to check snail mail. Or to water the plants. You know something is wrong if I get up to water plants.

4.     Once glued to the chair, I will only allow some out-the-window time. I can’t swear to not look out the window (let’s be honest here) but I will be aware of how much I am looking out the window. Substitute window for checking nails. Substitute nails for working tangles out of my hair. Substitute hair for- you get the idea. No one realizes how poorly groomed they are until they’re [not] writing.

5.     If I hate what I am writing, I give myself permission to write something else. This does not mean blogging or Facebook status updates. Writing should come easily.

On this day –February 26, 2013- I declare that I will uphold these ideals and that if I don’t, I will conceal it and still tell everyone I’m a writer though I don’t produce a single word. Just kidding. Maybe. 

Ten Reflections About Point of View and Voice

1.       You’re talking to yourself. Narrators do this in books, therefore if you’re talking to yourself, you’re the narrator.

2.       If you appear to be the only one talking to yourself, that must mean the story is about you. If the drooling guy on the corner is talking to himself, too, the story must also be about him. First person multiple means you share.

3.       You should never write in second person. Or be hypocritical.

4.       Maybe you should ponder not using some words that could be kind of passive. Where in all of that kind of vagueness is the character who is now hard to find because of the sort of ambiguity?

5.       When a writer uses third person limited, s/he will often give us one (and only one) character’s thoughts. “Don’t give us two,” the author thought, as Kristen simultaneously thought she agreed.

6.       Don’t refer to yourself in the third person. It’s weird.

7.       When thou choosest the omniscience of person the third, one needn’t sound antique. Exemplifying thy choice stands the Bible and literature of the century of our Lord 19^th, however thy word choice needn’t likewise exemplify.

8.       The writer SHOULD pick a character we LIKE to tell the STORY. The reader doesn’t WANT a character that gets on your NERVES –like a narrator with a NERVOUS TWITCH or a narrator who SHOUTS ALL the TIME!

9.       um, readers also don’t like, um, really boring narrators who are, um, meek and normal who, um, end up being super boring and, um, say the same stuff all the time, um, and don’t really do anything.

10.   Ultimately, there needs to be a reason why your character is in the story and why you chose that particular point of view. For an example of a point of view that works for only that perfect kind of story, check out “Orientation” by Daniel Orozco, or click here:
http://nomrad.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/orientation.pdf

Weird Things, Episode 2

Okay, so I've finished reading the book (for those of you catching up, it's Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores by Jen Campbell). By the way, I found out there's a sequel (More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores) but it's not available in the U.S., and neither Barnes&Noble nor Amazon have any estimable time when it will be. Boo.


I imagine Jen experiencing or remembering other weird stories to add to a second book, and booksellers contributing stories. Likewise as I finished the book, I couldn't stop thinking about stories that I seemed to have forgotten. Hah.

So enjoy Weird Things Episode Two.

------------
Customer: Excuse me, but I'd like to return this book.
Bookseller: Okay, is there anything wrong with it?
Customer: These pages look weird. (They're the kind of irregular-edged only common in hard cover books or nicer trade paperbacks.)
Bookseller: Well, they're indicative of more expensive publication.
Customer: But I don't like it. Can you order another one?
Bookseller: Um, I could but the next one will come back like that, too.
Customer: But why? Does the publisher just not check mistakes anymore?
Bookseller: It's not a mistake. It's intentional. That's why it's... more money.
------------

Older Customer: I need help looking for a book.
Bookseller: Sure. What can I help you with?
Customer: I need a book. A book for old people. A sex book.
Bookseller: Well, our sex books are just right over here. (Points by customer service.)
Customer: So can you help me with them?
Bookseller: Um, okay. (Comes around the counter.) Let's see what we can find. Here's one.
Customer: (Flips to a page.) Oh. Do you think that position is possible for someone as old as me?
Bookseller: I, um, can't really say. But it is a book for, um, mature adults and it wouldn't be in the book if-
Customer: Okay, well, thanks for your help.
Bookseller: You're welcome.
(Customer puts book on shelf.)
Customer: I don't have time for it today. Maybe I'll just buy it online.
Bookseller:...
------------

Customer: OH, MY GOD!
Bookseller peeks over the bookshelf.
Customer: OH, MY GOD! Jimmy, WHAT did you DO? If you have to go POTTY you need to TELL ME!
Customer picks up child by the armpits leading a soiled child in the direction of the bathrooms.
[Ten minutes later.]
Customer: Excuse me.
Bookseller: Yes?
Customer: Where is the nearest children's clothing store?
Bookseller: Well, there's a Children's Place on the other side of the mall-
Customer: No. I'm sorry, but Jimmy peed his pants. I don't want him to think that he can be rewarded for not doing what he was supposed to be doing. Where's a cheaper clothing store?
Bookseller: Um, Sears is next door... kinda.
Customer: That's better.
(Naked child emerges from behind a bookshelf, streaking naked through the store.)
Bookseller: Your, um, Jimmy-
Customer: OH, MY GOD! (Starts running.) JIMMY! OH, MY GOD!
------------

Customer: I have a return.
Bookseller: Okay. Was there anything wrong with the book.
Customer: It's disturbing and revolting, and I can't believe my daughter bought it for my granddaughter.
Bookseller: Do you have a receipt? (Gets receipt.) Okay, within two weeks. No problem. Okay, where's the book.
Customer: Here it is. Filth.
(Olivia Goes to the Circus.)
Bookseller: This is the trash?
Customer: Degenerate garbage.
------------

Customer: I need the next "Cat Who" book.
Bookseller: Well, let me look that up. (Type type type.) I'm sorry, but there doesn't appear to be any new listings.
Customer: That's wrong.
Bookseller: You're welcome to look at this. (Turn the screen.) See -there's a name listed for the new book, but there's no concrete date. They've been pushing it back for a few months, and now it's set for 2014.
Customer: But we're faithful customers and we've been WAITING!
Bookseller: I'm sorry, but it looks like you're going to have to wait some more.
Customer: I CAN'T wait anymore!
Bookseller: I don't know what to tell you. I could write it faster than they could publish it.
Customer: I'll pay you.
Bookseller: Wait, what?
Customer: Seriously. I'll pay you to write the next book.
Bookseller:...



Thank you, Jen Campbell, for jogging my memory :)

"Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores"

WARNING: Anything said hereafter is true and any resemblance to persons living or dead is intentional and in no way coincidental. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).

Yesterday, my brother gifted me a book (which, by the way, gains my complete and undivided attention). The book is Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores by Jen Campbell, and not only is it a rollicking good time, but it has brought back several memories from working at Barnes&Noble.


Why do we think that bookstores only attract intelligent customers?


I should mention that books about jobs have about a 50% success rate with me: when I read Waiter Rant by Steve Dublianca (a book recounting the trials of waiting tables) I was back to having nightmares about floods of customers coming in five minutes before close, near-degrading treatment for close to minimum wage, and tables of 50 people who only order water and then they're surprised when I don't seem to do anything else than refill water pitchers.


But this wasn't like that. Whenever I read something new, it would remind me of another funny story. Even better, the book is not only Jen Campbell's experiences but other bookseller experiences.  I went to her blog to read even more. You can find it on the right sidebar under the blogs I read (called "This is Not the Six Word Novel"), or here: http://jen-campbell.blogspot.com.

So, here are my own experiences of Weird (But True) Things Customers Say in Bookstores:


Customer: Where is your non-fiction section?

----

Customer: I'm looking for a religious book. It's yellow and has the word "one" in the title.

Me: I'm afraid I need more information to help you with that one.

Customer: My landlord knows.

Me (thinking, not saying): Good for him.

Customer: If you'll let me use the phone, I can call him and ask.

Me: These phones are for employees only, but there's a payphone by the bathrooms-

Customer: I'm pretty sure customer service means I get to use your phone.

Me: Let's go take a walk in that section and see if we can find your book...

----

Customer: Where are your spell books?

Me: Spelling books?

Customer: No. Books with spells in it. You know, so I can put a spell on my neighbor at 3 am and that kind of thing.

----

Customer: Where is your Dummies' books section?

Me: They're in section according to what the subject is.

Customer: Where's that?

Me: It depends on what subject the book is.

Customer: The subject is Dummies'.

Me: No, I mean that the Dummies' book is in whatever section that particular subject is. So if you were looking for a Dummies' book on Windows 7, it would be under the computer section.

Customer: What if I want a Dummies' book on Dummies' books?

Me: (blank stare)

Customer: Right. Thanks.

----

Customer: Do you have any books where the author is telling the reader a story?

----

Customer: Have you been to Carnegie Hall?

Me: No.

Customer: Then you shouldn't be working in the music department. Where have you been on the East coast?

Me: I haven't, but-

Customer: Then you shouldn't be working in the music department.

Me: Excuse me. I have performed several classic works like The Gloria, Handel's Complete Messiah, Mozart's Requiem-

Customer: But have you seen professional groups perform it?

Me: Yeah.

Customer: (leans forward) Who?

Me: The Phoenix Symphony, Cantemus, the Phoenix Opera-

Customer: Pfff.

Me: Can I help you locate anything day, sir?

Customer: Hmm. Where is your country section?

----

Customer: I'm here to pick up a special order.

Me: Name?

Customer: Candy McNumnums.

----

Customer picks up the new Oprah Book Club selection: ("New" meaning this was a few years ago)

Customer: Did this just come out?

Me: Yes.

Customer: Charles Dickens, huh? Did he just write it?

----

Customer: I have a return.

Me: Okay. Was there anything wrong with it?

Customer: I bought it for my neighbor, but then he died. I've been grieving him terribly so I haven't gone out much since he died two months ago. I would just keep it, except I already have a copy.

Receipt: Hawaii. Three weeks ago.

Me: Huh. The receipt is from Hawaii.

Customer: Well, I meant that I've been grieving him so much that I only went out of the house once.

Me: The only problem is that our return policy is two weeks with a receipt. It doesn't matter where the receipt is from -it could be a store in Hawaii or a store in Phoenix, it doesn't matter- but if it is longer than two weeks, we can't accept it.

Customer: But I was grieving! I didn't leave the house!

Me: But according to your story, you bought this after your neighbor died.
Thought: You bought him another copy after he was already dead?

Customer: I was grieving! I need to speak to your manager.

----

Customer: I don't have a membership card, but can we look up the phone number for my sister-in-law's Zumba partner?

----
*note: all caps indicate shouting

HH: I have a membership card. (Reports telephone number waaaay too fast.)

Me: I'm sorry, what was that again?

HH: (sigh) (Reports number too fast again.)

Me: Okay, that was 928-776-what?

HH: (heavier sigh) You guys at this store are so incompetent. (Reports last few numbers.)

Me: Your total today is $#.##

HH: (passes over another bag from the music department) Put that in there, too. (Swipes credit card.)

Me: I'm sorry -the computer didn't take your card. Can you swipe it one more time?

HH: Swipe it one more time? I'll swipe it TWENTY MORE TIMES!
(swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe)

I pass the bag over with the other bag inside.

HH: You put the other bag INSIDE?

Me: Well, you asked me to.

HH: NO, I said to put the ITEMS inside. (Fumbles with the bag.) You would make a TERRIBLE shipping clerk.

Me: Well, fortunately I don't intend on becoming a shipping clerk...

HH: Well, I don't know why NOT -it's a good JOB.

Me: Have a nice day.

HH: Have a #@%* nice day.

Okay, everyone, it's your turn: if you've worked in a bookstore, add your own funny stories. What are some Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores?